(You can read my first post about online
dating, in which I explain the dick pic phenomenon, here.)
"Is racism a deal-breaker?"
The genesis of this post lies in the moment
I observed that I was asking myself that question in all seriousness.
It happened after speaking with an online
suitor who ticked so many of the boxes (even ginger!) that I found myself
unusually hopeful and optimistic. But
over the course of a two hour conversation, during which he asked me zero
questions, it became clear that he held some racist views. We left it that I would call him if I were
still interested and I found myself considering it. I mean, if he ticked other boxes, was
believing that other races were intellectually inferior to whites something I
could overlook?
It was one of those
step-back-and-look-at-yourself moments that makes you question your entire life
path since conception.
I have already
explained in another post that I embarked on this online dating lark for
two reasons only: 1) I want financial security but I have no chance of
achieving it on my own; and 2) I want biological children before ye olde eggs
spoil and I cannot afford to be a SPBC—new acronym I just learned: Single
Parent By Choice.
Dating in such a time-sensitive, calculating
way has proven distasteful. One of the
best pieces of advice my mother ever gave me was never to be emotionally or
financially dependent upon a man. As a
feminist, the idea of needing a man for his money is anathema. On the emotional
side, "I've had
enough so-so for the rest of my life" but the dictates of biology and
finances don't give me the luxury of waiting.
Add to this some recent discussions about
men amongst friends and online:
Increasing numbers of women are describing themselves as "happily"
widowed or divorced, declaring themselves "post-men" or otherwise not
seeking out relationships. The general
consensus seems to be that men are not worth the hassle—if you don't need one
to co-parent or help pay the bills, then you are better off single.
If I am questioning whether I would seek
out a new relationship if I were independently wealthy, and if many women are
choosing not to date, that is a pretty depressing indictment of half the
population. There have to be some advantages to being in a
relationship, right? Most couples are
together for financial reasons, but surely not all of them? I could think of a few possibilities: I occasionally have to move heavy
objects. It would be nice to get a lift when
I have to take my car to the garage for repairs. It would be useful to have someone to watch
the house, take care of the cat, and water the plants when I go out of
town. I need daily massages. I like to have someone to cook and bake for
who appreciates it. But none of those things
requires a romantic partner, or even a male.
(And I've never met one willing to reciprocate a massage.) Sex? Horniness
is a constant problem but I've only fucked four men in my entire life, so
clearly I am not the casual sex type.
I've never had a one-night stand but one obviously does not need to be
in a LTR
to have sex. Intimacy? I've yet to date a man capable of it so
that's not guaranteed in a relationship.
I posed the question about the value of relationships in a private, candid
online forum populated by thousands of thoughtful women over 40. I expected a poignant stream of responses
describing the joys of coupledom that were eluding me, anecdotes, and odes to concerned,
supportive partners that would restore my faith in relationships. Or, at the very least, give me some less
cynical views on dating.
I think you can guess what happened.
At this point, I don't expect to meet anyone
online. I am overwhelmed with messages
(I respond to about one out of 100) but it's easy to dismiss anyone who does
not tick every box on my list. A 51-year-old
man from CT messaged me yesterday and his profile reflected a well-earned
cynicism about online dating: "What's
so frustrating is that [after 7 years on this dating site] I have to qualify
myself to mostly antisocial, contemptuous, vainglorious, standoffish,
superficial, narcissistic, aloof, fickle women...Which I refuse to do. Ladies,
you should be lucky to meet/date me." I can understand his frustration;
I'm yet another woman who is going to see that he is only 5'8" and
balding, and never write back to him. Yet, if I met that guy in another context,
perhaps he would have some qualities that might inspire compromise or there
might be chemistry that overrides every other consideration. Well, not him, he's clearly an asshole, but I
mean any guy to whom I don't deign to reply based on a 5 second glance at his photo
and profile.
OTOH, I could have great chemistry with
someone I met in person who turns out to be unsuitable – maybe he doesn't want
kids or he doesn't have enough money. That
would suck, but at least I have a better
chance in person of meeting someone whom I like rather than who ticks boxes, who
inspires me to view a potential relationship other than as a necessary evil.
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